WITLESS PROTECTION (2008)

WITLESS PROTECTION
½
Rating: PG-13
Length: 97 minutes
Director: Charles Robert Carner (Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?; Christmas Rush)
Writer: Charles Robert Carner (Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?; Christmas Rush)
Starring: Larry the Cable Guy, Jenny McCarthy, Ivana Milicevic, Joe Mantegna, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stomare, Eric Roberts, Richard Bull, Reno Collier, Omar Kent Dykes

He may still be selling out stadiums across the U.S.- well the Southern U.S. (and we wonder why the Yanks look down on us)- but Larry the Cable Guy’s 15 minutes of fame finally seem to be coming to a close. His inability to make the all important move to Hollywood has failed miserably with the bottom of the barrel “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” and “Delta Farce” both flopping at the box office, his latest attempt- “cleverly” titled “Witless Protection” (uh-oh!) could barely make it into theaters and was gone faster than a beer drenched day at the Nascar track. What is this guy’s appeal? At least Jeff Foxworthy was clever and even non-rednecks could appreciate his humor (in the beginning anyway, he started milking it a bit as time went on). Larry’s main bit is the “Lord I Apologize” joke after he makes some dumb, random, and offensive joke that the trailer park’s finest laugh at because they think they should be. He is the worst comedian, stand up wise, I have ever heard and how he has become so famous and rich goes to show you why other countries look down on American culture. “Witless Protection” isn’t going to do anything to help improve our image, though I guess it’s the best of the three pictures if that’s saying anything (it’s like picking the best rotten egg out of an old batch). Veteran TV movie director Charles Robert Carner, who also wrote the screenplay, has previously brought us such gems as “Christmas Rush” and the just as heartwarming “Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?”. Just the guy for the job here! Larry stars as a character aptly named Larry (that’s three movies in a row in case you’re counting, he has such limited range he can’t even go by a different name in a movie), a small redneck town sheriff who sees a beautiful woman (Ivana Milicevic) being escorted by a black man (Yaphet Kotto) in a suit and figures she is being kidnapped. After all, any God fearing Southern gentleman needs to save a pretty white woman from a well dressed African American. It’s his duty as an officer of the law! Larry kidnaps her away and it actually (of course) turns out that she was being escorted by crooked FBI agents who are planning on killing her before she can testify against some evil businessmen. So it’s Larry and the pretty lady on the run from the “law” and it makes for a long ninety seven minutes of fart gags and Larry’s one liners that are about as funny as those jokes your uncle tells everybody every Thanksgiving. Thank you (southern) American for ignoring his films, now let’s just work on not buying his albums and shelling out fifty bucks to see him in “concert”. Work together for a common cause that doesn’t involve wearing white cloaks and burning crosses. You can do it! Git-r-done!!!

(Note: Actor Yaphet Kotto, best known as “the black dude in the original ‘Alien’” is playing the same character, Alonzo Moseley, that he played in the 1988 comedy “Midnight Run”. Naturally, the filmmakers here didn’t get permission to use his character and are facing a lawsuit. Oops!)

Also, please take a moment to a read an absolutely hilarious open letter comedian David Cross wrote to Larry the Cable Guy after Larry took a jab at him. It made me cry laughing (which is way more than I can say for "Witless Protection"). Read it here.

Download Soundtrack MP3s:
Junior Brown- Highway Patrol (Right Click and “Save As”)
Ludwig Van Beethoven- Symphony #9

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