MAY **½ Rating: R Length: 93 minutes Director: Lucky McKee (The Woods; All Cheerleaders Die) Writer: Lucky McKee (The Woods; All Cheerleaders Die) Starring: Anna Faris, Angela Bettis, Jeremy Sisto, Nora Zehetner, James Duval, Ken Davitian, Kevin Gage, Nichole Hiltz, Merle Kennedy, Will Estes, Roxanne Day, Samantha Adams, Brittney Lee Harvey, Lucky McKee, Jason Thornton
I’ve heard about “May” since it came out and have always debated renting/buying it. As time has grown since it’s release it seems to have gained a sizeable cult audience. I learned before watching it for the first time last night that an acquaintance of my girlfriend and I’s picks her boyfriends by their reaction to this film- that alone could make an interesting story. Though, to be fair I suppose, the lead character of May Dove Canady is your classic socially awkward loner. All the Goth girls you saw at school that didn’t run in cliques? That’s May. She dresses different, acts different, but is, when the film opens, an innocent person who just wants to be loved. Her loneliness and desire for human connection is what drives her over the edge. Fans of the film seem to have disagreements about what category it falls into- comedy, horror, tragedy. There are elements of all three, but tragedy would fit it best- though any movie where someone stabs their eye out with a pair of scissors is probably going to end up under the “Horror” section at Blockbuster. May, is indeed, quite lonely. She works at an animal clinic along with an immigrant doctor (“Borat”’s Ken Davitian) and a beautiful, flirtatious lesbian named Polly (Anna Faris- wonderful as always) who lets her intentions for May be well known. May kind of likes Polly too (“You have the perfect neck”, she tells Polly. May likes perfect body parts), but she finds herself infatuated with a local loser named Adam (“Six Feet Under”’s Jeremy Sisto). Adam has the perfect hands and shows a returning interest in May, but not the same kind that she has for him. After Adam, a lame aspiring filmmaker, shows May a short film he made in which two lovers bite and kiss each other with their own blood, May gets the wrong idea and scares Adam off. She can’t quite let Adam go so easily and she’s starting to grow tired of Polly’s interest in other girls (After May catches her with another girl, Polly tells her: “you’re still my main girl”). If only she could create the prefect person, just like the ceramic doll she was given as a child. The doll that remains in it’s case and seems to communicate with her. May starts to go off the deep end and although there’s no excuse for her actions, it’s hard not to sympathize with her. Angela Bettis gives an amazing lead performance. Her voice and subtle character nuisances are perfect for the role. It would be hard to imagine any other actress here instead. Director Lucky McKee has a keen eye for visuals (and a love for Kim & Kelley Deal's music), but his story development needs a little work. It’s been said that a more lengthy section involving May’s tough upbringing was edited out of the movie before it’s final release and at an hour and a half, the movie wouldn’t have over stayed it’s welcome by including it. The movie is also bound to repulse some viewers. It is a disturbing picture. There are funny moments and lovely, beautiful sequences, but underneath May’s heart may beat with a sad lonely thud, yet the thud also has a connection with a demented mind. So in the end is it really May’s fault? Don’t we all want the perfect person? Perhaps the most disturbing thing about “May” is that maybe we can all in some way identify with what she’s looking for.
JOY DIVISION **½ Rating: R Length: 93 minutes Director: Grant Gee (Meeting People is Easy; Blur & Radiohead videos) Starring: Peter Hook, Bernard Sumner, Stephen Morris, Tony Wilson, Martin Hannett, Rob Grettin, Anton Corbijn, Annik Honore, Pete Shelley, Lesley Gilerr
I want to give the new Grant Gee’s new “Joy Division” documentary a higher rating, but somehow I am unable to. It’s got all the right essentials to making a good documentary and it’s a band that I truly love and believe deserve a well done documentary. Maybe it’s because a lot of the familiarity of the material is all ready widely known by even slight Joy Division fans (I am always surprised to find people that can name off that Ian Curtis was listening to Iggy Pop’s “The Idiot” when he offed himself). Then again, maybe it’s because the movie has a severe case of bad timing- coming just a short time after the Ian Curtis bio-pic band photographer Anton Corbijn’s “Control” made a big splash (well, for an Ian Curtis bio-pic- I mean there was serious Oscar talk for Best Actor) - that we all ready know the story that is going to be told to. We get the standard interviews with the surviving band mates and only a few slight mentions of post-Divison’s morphing into the equally brilliant New Order. All the other essentials are here, including the always awesome, sadly late Tony Wilson. I think the problem may have been by trying to mix up the routine doc materials with some experimental bits (nothing too extreme- don’t worry) - usually just doesn’t mesh well. However, there are some chilling recorded interviews with Curtis and a heart rendering side by side of Curtis and New Order performing together twenty years apart. So Joy Division fans- you will probably not have a problem with the film. I didn’t have a problem with the film, because even though I know the story so well, they’re still one of my favorite groups. I do have a problem recommending it to the average documentary or regular film go-er, because I do think it could have been better and been more powerful and different enough to stick out without selling out- kind of like “Control” did but as a documentary. Your regular Joy Division fan may be enticed, but someone who hasn’t had much exposure to them (think “I’ve only heard ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ and I thought it was the Cure, for like, ever!’) might not be and this band is too important to have that done to them. If you watch a movie/documentary about this band and don’t come away from it impressed with the influence they’ve had on a lot of your favorite music and a respect for Ian Curtis (if a somewhat sad one though), then the filmmakers weren’t as responsible as they should be have been. That or this band just isn’t your cup of tea. In that case, you’re -really not going to like it.
YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN * Rating: PG-13 Length: 113 minutes Director: Dennis Dugan (I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry; Happy Gilmore) Writers: Judd Apatow (Knocked Up; The 40 Year Old Virgin), Adam Sandler (Billy Madison; Happy Gilmore), and Robert Smigel (“Saturday Night Live”; “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”) Starring: Adam Sandler, John Turturro, Rob Schneider, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Chris Rock, Nick Swardson, Dave Matthews, Mariah Carey, Lainie Kazan, Charlotte Rae, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel, Henry Winkler, Ahmed Ahmed, George Takei, John McEnroe, Bruce Vilanch, John Farley, Dennis Dugan, Anne Marie Howard
Ah, 1995. There was a small theater in Hobe Sound, Florida (you remember it if you used to live down there) that was about twenty miles north from West Palm Beach and twenty miles south from Stuart. Hobe Sound was a very boring little town where there wasn’t much to do but get stoned and go to their shitty little movie theater- which only played two titles at a time and they were titles that had usually been out for a bit. Yet, somehow in 1995, the Hobe Sound Theater got a hold of “Billy Madison”. “Saturday Night Live” was still cool back then (Sandler was still on, so was Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, etc.) and Sandler had slowly emerged as the “next big thing” and “Madison” was his first official starring vehicle. I laughed so hard that tears rolled down my face. My friend Jason Orazi and I saw it and then parted ways and I went to visit my friend Richard, who also lived in Hobe Sound. I was laughing so hard trying to explain the movie that it was pretty much a given that we were about to go watch it. I saw “Billy Madison” three times that day. I bought Sandler’s comedy album, “They’re All Gonna Laugh at You”, and dutifully saw “Happy Gilmore”, “Big Daddy”, and the others are soon as they came out. I excused “Bulletproof”, but then came “Little Nicky” and “Mr. Deeds” and the animated “8 Crazy Nights”… need I go on? I don’t know if it was because I was getting older if or if it was because Sandler was just getting less funnier. Since “Big Daddy” in 1999 (which showed signs of Sandler slipping, but was still decent), he has made two good films: the brilliant, underrated “Punch Drunk Love”, which he gave the performance of his career, and the sweet romantic-comedy “50 First Dates”. Coming up on ten years since “Big Daddy” and I decided that it was, in fact, that Sandler was getting less funnier. Where as “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” had solely been funny due to my age at the time, Sandler was guilty of losing it. I caught “Madison” on Cinemax one late, sleepless night in Reno and while I didn’t laugh as much as did when I was younger, I still got some chuckles out of it. It holds up, where as something like “Ace Ventura” does not. Sandler is a greedy man guilty of selling out his talents for twenty million dollar paychecks to appear in crap like “Click” and yes “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan”- the latest of his lazy, cheap laughs vehicles. The goofy, irreverent fun that made “Madison” and “Gilmore” stand apart is long gone, replaced by repeated “fart” and “cock” jokes. Since the film has comic genius of the moment Judd Apatow’s name stamped on it (he was one of the three screenwriters that included Sandler and longtime collaborator/”TV Funhouse” creator Robert Smigel), it figures it will be able to grab in the “date movie” crowd because Apatow put out “Knocked Up” and “40 Year Old Virgin”- both perfect “meet me in the middle” date movies. My will they be angry. There isn’t any Apatow present that I could find in this mess. Just a one note character Sandler created named Zohan, that’s a mock up of an Iranian terrorist, who prefers to be a professional hair dresser inNew York City over being an ace assassin for his ‘people” back home. There’s a lot of “it’s funny because it’s taboo” terrorist jokes (that by the way aren’t funny), Zohan dancing around like a moron waving his crotch in everyone’s face, and… I don’t know- the movie is almost two hours long and it seems like it’s never going to end. I kept sitting there waiting to laugh. Waiting for something, anything to make me laugh. It didn’t happen. You don’t want to mess with the Zohan because he’s a dangerous man, you don’t want to mess with the Zohan because he’s an incredibly unfunny man.
Download Soundtrack MP3s: Stereo MCs- Connected Adam Ant- Strip
CANDY **½ Rating: R Length: 108 minutes Director: Neil Armfield (Twelfth Night; The Castanet Club) Writer: Neil Armfield (Twelfth Night) Starring: Abbie Cornish, Heath Ledger, Geoffrey Rush, Tom Budge, Tony Martin, Holly Austin, Noni Hazlehurst, Luke Davies
It’s hard to make a drug movie without making drugs look fun. Even the anti-drug movies are often mistaken as glamorizing addiction (“Trainspotting” for example). To a filmmaker’s credit there is that certain allure to why people use and to quote “Trainspotting”- there is an upside to using drugs after all- “we’re not fucking stupid. Or at least we’re not that fucking stupid”. The upside, of course, is not really an upside in the long run because the addiction eventually ruins everything and the upside ends up becoming a long, lost forgotten memory. That is what the heartbreaking drug movie, “Candy”, is about and it’s one of the only drug movies, along with “Requiem for a Dream”, that does a good job in showing that while drugs can cause the user pleasure, it is not worth the aftermath. “Trainspotting” is my all-time favorite film and while it did- unintentionally- provide me with a fascination with drugs, I still strongly believe it is an anti-drug film- though that movie did have a “happy” ending or at least an ending that hinted towards being happy. “Candy” is not that type of movie. It’s also not as good as “Trainspotting” or “Requiem for a Dream” and it’s bleak outlook, though brutally honest is what sometimes goes against it. People that complain that a lot of modern horror movies are nothing but torture films could make the same complaint here. The movie’s two protagonists, Candy (Abbie Cornish) and Dan (the late Heath Ledger- who tragically died the way his own character here might have), suffer through 95% of the movie. The drug glamour scenes are done and out of the way ten minutes in- Candy has all ready suffered a near fatal overdose and has whored herself out to a pawn shop owner for a few extra bucks so her and Dan can score. “Candy” is not a movie about the good times, it is a movie strictly about the bad times. While it may be not be as an intense as “Requiem for a Dream” was, if you found that a bummer at least you had the visual eye candy to ease your sorrow. “Candy” is told very matter of factly, without camera tricks or a thumping techno soundtrack, it is quite frankly (and trust me on this) one of the most realistic drug movies ever made. Candy and Dan are young lovers who at the beginning of the film have a lot of blooming talent- Candy is a painter and Dan a poet. They swim together in a pool, embraced in each other’s arms, lips interlocked. It is sad that an hour later into the film, they can barely to stand be around each other without substances. They try to kick, but end up stealing to use. They lie to each other. There is paranoia and jealousy. The movie goes to a lot of dark places other drug movies haven’t touched. That being said, it is almost too much to take. For me personally, the movie hit a little too close to home at times and I had to pause it to take a cigarette break. There is a dead baby sequence in here that trumps the dead baby sequence in “Trainspotting”- something I thought could never be trumped. “Candy” is like watching someone else’s nightmare, unless you were unfortunate enough to live through a similar nightmare. So the question is- do you want to watch something so painful for nearly two hours? Does this qualify as entertainment or does it just qualify as a stern warning to anyone that thinks there is glamour to that kind of lifestyle? If sitting in a car while your wife sleeps with a dirty old man for an extra twenty dollars so you can both get high for a couple of hours seems glamorous, then “Candy” is a movie that you need to watch. If you all ready feel that that’s something that you could never see yourself doing, then maybe you should watch it anyway. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when you the end credits roll up. An accurate drug movie is not going to be a good time and it’s not going to leave you with a good feeling- just like the real deal.
STEP UP 2: THE STREETS * Rating: PG-13 Length: 98 minutes Director: Jon Chu (When the Kids Are Away; Silent Beats) Writers: Toni Ann Johnson (Save the Last Dance; Crown Heights) and Karen Barna (“The Mountain”) Starring: Briana Evigan, Channing Tatum, Robert Hoffman, Adam G. Sevani, Will Kemp, Cassie Ventura, Danielle Polanco, Christopher Scott, Mari Koda, Janelle Cambridge, Black Thomas
Once in a while a movie comes along that just changes something inside of you and makes you realize why movies, well, suck so bad sometimes. Why people can watch movies like “Step Up 2”- sorry “Step Up 2: The Streets” and leave happy and texting their friends shit like “yo step UP 2 iz fresh! Dancin wuz off da chain!!!” keeps me up at night. I never saw the original “Step Up”, but something tells me it wasn’t too different from what we’ve got going on here, though I heard the original was more of a love story in the “Dirty Dancing” mold (haha or so I imagine the press releases stated). Here, street wise orphan Andie (Briana Evigan- star of the “Donnie Darko” sequel coming out next year. Be worried) is part of the “misfit” dance crew, the 410, in the tough streets of Baltimore. They do all kinds of rebellious and dangerous stuff like perform impromptu dances in the middle of the mall. Damned punk kids! Despite Andie’s dedication to the 410, her aunt thinks she’s wasting her life (funny, like Andie thinks her professional occupation in life can be being part of a rebel street dance team- I wonder how that pays the bills? Do you do some break dancing for the utility guy that comes to shut the power off?). The aunt wants to kick Andie out, but one of her friends (Channing Tatum- the star of the original) intervenes and after beating Andie in a lame dance off (it ends with him losing his shirt like he attached it to a coat hanger- WHOA!), he convinces the aunt to let her stay and Andie to go to some prestigious school of dance. Andie reluctantly goes, falls for one of the prize dancers (Robert Hoffman), gets some jealousy from some of the school girls, and starts a rivalry with her old crew who accuse her of selling out. This, of course, leads to what you all want to see- a bunch of overlong and stupid “dance offs” where the “dancers” look like they are having seizures while the others crowd around them in a circle, then the “dancer” gets up and starts pointing his/her finger at their opponent and shouting a bunch of “now what”s! I have a feeling that many of us could out “seizure dance” most of these people- and for anyone that wants to comment on how hard it is to actually perform these dances- that may be true- but really what is the point? Why go through all the trouble? This is one of the only movies I’ve seen where the adult that tells the kids that her dreams are foolish is actually right. Ten years from now is dancing and acting like your shirt is taken off from a coat hanger going to get you that promotion at work? The dancing is a waste of time, but more importantly so is the movie.
FUCK *** Rating: Not Rated Length: 93 minutes Director: Steve Anderson (The Big Empty) Starring: Janeane Garofalo, Drew Carey, Kevin Smith, Ice-T, Ron Jeremy, Hunter S. Thompson, Bill Maher, Billy Connolly, Chuck D., Sam Donaldson, Pat Boone, Alanis Morissette
“Fuck” is a documentary on it’s title. It’s not pornography, though those that despise the word might as well think so. Isn’t it interesting that an entire hour and a half movie could be made on one sole word and still be more entertaining that most of the mainstream motion pictures Hollywood throws out at us? It’s a movie that uses the world’s “most offensive” word as a culture comment on cursing in general. As many of the celebrity commentators continually remind us, after all, it is just a word. Though it’s a word’s meaning that can cut into somebody just as much as a physical hit, right? True, though after watching this documentary, when you think about all the fuss the word has caused it seems rather silly that a film, for instance, can not reach a number of viewers due to the usage of the word (and others in it’s category) or that the FCC can fine people for using a “word” on the radio or television. It’s an interesting topic and director Steve Anderson certainly has assembled some interesting people to discuss it- “Clerks” director Kevin Smith who we all know loves using the word, the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, the new “Price is Right” host Drew Carey, porn superstar Ron Jeremy, Public Enemy frontman Chuck D., Alanis Morissette, etc. Ol’ country legend Pat Boone even steps in to speak out against the word. All I could think about every time he slagged on it was that idiotic cover of that “metal” album he made a few years back. Who could take this guy seriously after that monstrosity? So all in all, it’s a documentary that could have been very limited and one note in it’s subject matter, but director Anderson shows his true talent by divulging more into it than most would. I guess it goes without saying that if you aren’t a fan of cursing than I certainly can’t recommend this film to you. You’d fucking hate it!
SEX AND THE CITY ** Rating: R Length: 148 minutes Director: Michael Patrick King (“Sex and the City”; “The Comeback”) Writer: Michael Patrick King (“Sex and the City”; “The Comeback”) Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Kristin Davis, Chris Noth, Candice Bergin, Jennifer Hudson, David Eigenberg, Evan Handler, Jason Lewis, Mario Cantone, Lynn Cohen, Willie Garson, Joanna Gleason, Amanda Setton, Damian Young
The old saying that “sometimes it’s best just to let sleeping dogs lie” is a pretty accurate overused expression to apply to the “Sex and the City” movie. While “Indiana Jones” proved that even after a nineteen year absence, he still had what it takes to make one hell of a movie- five years is all it took to drain the life out of Darren Starr’s once groundbreaking hit cable t.v. show. First things first, I am to confess that I am not one of this suddenly popular group of meatheads who are bitching and moaning about having to take their girlfriends/wives to see this movie (god forbid, how many dumb ass movies they put their significant others through, that they can’t ever seem to return the favor once without complaining…). I liked this show when it was on- or at least the first few seasons, which I actively watched while I had HBO. I briefly dated a girl who was minorly obsessed with it, as a matter of fact, and it won me some points that I didn’t cringe when she brought it up. What these meatheads fail to remember is that this show was on HBO. HBO doesn’t just put any old bullshit on it’s network and if it does (“John from Cincinnati”) - they take the trash out very quickly. When “Sex and the City” first started, it was a very well written female perspective of the dating game and it came at a time when there were a lot of male driven gross out comedies about “hormone driven” meatheads (the same that don’t want to watch this or anything that has to do with intelligent women) around. I stopped watching after I moved out into the real world (not enough money for premium cable) and I caught up with the later seasons through re-runs and borrowing friend’s DVDs. The show, like most of the best, started to lose it’s steam towards the end and I felt that after six seasons, Starr did the right thing and let the series go before it became a severely watered down version of itself. Then, almost immediately afterwards, the buzz began about a feature length film. Why? The series wrapped up well enough. Big (Chris Noth) and Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) got together; Charlotte (Kristin Davis) got her adopted baby; Samantha (Kim Cattrall) got the Hollywood hunk and the L.A. lifestyle that came with it. Only Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) seemed to get the short end of the stick- stuck taking care of her husband’s (David Eigenberg) sick mother. Well, all is well that should have ended well, because five years and a lot of senseless contract disputes (who does Cattrall think she is? Angelina Jolie?) later, here is the feature film version and it’s a major let down. It’s not bad, per say, it’s just about as good as some of the more minor episodes of the show, only it’s like you’re watching a five episode of marathon of them strung together. After a brief montage to catch the few uninitiated “Sex” fans up to date (that’s for you boyfriends/husbands), things are pretty much back to where they were left off. The girls are all now over forty and not much has changed. Carrie and Big go apartment shopping and after landing the “perfect” apartment (though Carrie insists that her closet be “enlarged”), they get engaged over a dinner conversation. Meanwhile, Miranda, who for some reason in the film seems very sour and miserable, has found her husband had a one night stand on her. She kicks him out and on the eve of Big and Carrie’s wedding, she has a big fight with the ex and warns Big that getting married is a terrible idea. This gets Big to thinking and Carrie is left alone at the altar the next day (though, to be fair, Big changes his mind and is going back to the church when he is confronted by an outraged Carrie). The rest of the movie is about Spice Girls-like “girl power” as Carrie and Miranda try to get their lives back on track, Samantha tries to establish her old identity back, and Charlotte gets a welcome surprise. All of this probably would have made for a fine one hour HBO special, but instead it’s dragged out into a nearly two and a half hour fiasco that even most diehard fans had to be checking their watches/cell phones to see how much longer they had left. Like I said, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s just kind of an unnecessary one. At the one hour and forty five minute mark, I realized that part of the beauty of the show was that it was a half an hour of well written, well acted, and funny material that left you wanting more. The movie version gives you so much that there’s nothing else left to want. In the end, everybody gets their happy endings and the box office receipts more than likely mean there will be a sequel on the way. When will it finally end? Or will we have to see how the girls fare with all the sexual politics in New York’s swankiest retirement home centers?
THE HAPPENING ***½ Rating: R Length: 91 minutes Director: M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense; Signs) Writer: M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense; Signs) Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez, Betty Buckley, Spencer Breslin, Robert Bailey, Jr., Alan Ruck, Frank Collison, Jeremy Strong, Victoria Clark, M. Night Shyamalan, Alison Folland
Poor M. Night Shyamalan. I mean, this guy comes out of nowhere and has the misfortunate (or fortune, depending on how you look at- I guess it did make him rich, famous, and a multiple Oscar nominee) of making the first big movie with the “trick ending” that Hollywood beat to death for the next five or six years. Yeah, we all loved “The Sixth Sense” and I’ve got to hand it to M. Night that even though he felt trapped with the trick ending deal for most of his career so far, he hasn’t made the easy duplicate of that film. He didn’t even make a sequel, which everybody would have surely eaten up. Instead, he made a grimly realistic superhero movie (“Unbreakable”), an old sci-fi homage (“Signs”), and an underrated movie about people unsatisfied with the train wreck society is becoming (“The Village”). I have yet to see “Lady in the Water”, though I was assured by everyone that just adored “The Sixth Sense” that it was a waste of time. Shyamalan went from being the next Hitchcock to a hack because he refused to cater to an audience that wanted him to be a one trick pony. That’s why I have a very strong feeling that I am going to be in the minority when I say that his latest feature, “The Happening”, is his best movie since “The Sixth Sense” and it’s also his most intelligent. All of the people that claimed that Al Gore’s documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” scared the hell out of them are sure to not see that this movie is going for the same effect. All they want is a bunch of cheap scares and an ending where Mark Wahlberg ends up being a space alien who’s pregnant with his own brother or something. “The Sixth Sense” was in 1999 people get over it! If you’re still going around uttering “I see dead people” then you shouldn’t be allowed to be watch movies anymore anyway. Ahem… sorry about the minor rant, anyway… Wahlberg stars as a high school science teacher, Elliot Moore, who during class one day is interrupted by his math teacher friend, Julian (John Leguizamo). Julian informs him that the Northeast is under a chemical terrorist attack. Apparently, the terrorists have dropped some chemical warfare on us that makes us go crazy and become extremely suicidal (get ready for a particularly gruesome scene involving a man and a zoo tiger). Moore gathers up his clinically depressed wife, Alma (the always wonderful and beautiful Zooey Deschanel) and Julian grabs his daughter (Ashlyn Sanchez) and they head to the train station to try to escape to the west. Julian’s wife gets stuck behind and must wait for the next train. The “disease” seems to start spreading faster than anyone thought and the trains have to stop running- leaving all of the passengers stuck in the middle of nowhere. That’s when everyone starts figuring out that maybe it’s not the act of those crazy terrorists, but something that has pissed off Mother Nature. I won’t ruin any of the plot, because the movie requires a slow build of tension and character development. The movie works so well because of the dynamics of the relationship between the failing marriage of Wahlberg and Deschanel. It’s the best job M. Night has done at creating characters since his debut. There’s also a really well done sequence involving a stop off at a mentally long gone hermit (Betty Buckley- giving that scary old lady from “The Orphanage” a run for her money in the “scariest old lady in a movie” category), who has no idea what’s happening in the outside world, but is scarier than what is happening outside of her home. I have a sad, sad feeling that this movie is going to be terribly misunderstood and people are going to unfairly call it pointless and boring and all kinds of other things because they won’t understand what the filmmaker is going for. For those people, there’s always that “Sixth Sense” DVD, for people that like to think when they watch a movie that tries to make something original out of a thriller- take a chance on “The Happening”. It may not make the general public proud, but it would have made Hitchcock very much so.
WITLESS PROTECTION ½ Rating: PG-13 Length: 97 minutes Director: Charles Robert Carner (Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?; Christmas Rush) Writer: Charles Robert Carner (Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?; Christmas Rush) Starring: Larry the Cable Guy, Jenny McCarthy, Ivana Milicevic, Joe Mantegna, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stomare, Eric Roberts, Richard Bull, Reno Collier, Omar Kent Dykes
He may still be selling out stadiums across the U.S.- well the Southern U.S. (and we wonder why the Yanks look down on us)- but Larry the Cable Guy’s 15 minutes of fame finally seem to be coming to a close. His inability to make the all important move to Hollywood has failed miserably with the bottom of the barrel “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” and “Delta Farce” both flopping at the box office, his latest attempt- “cleverly” titled “Witless Protection” (uh-oh!) could barely make it into theaters and was gone faster than a beer drenched day at the Nascar track. What is this guy’s appeal? At least Jeff Foxworthy was clever and even non-rednecks could appreciate his humor (in the beginning anyway, he started milking it a bit as time went on). Larry’s main bit is the “Lord I Apologize” joke after he makes some dumb, random, and offensive joke that the trailer park’s finest laugh at because they think they should be. He is the worst comedian, stand up wise, I have ever heard and how he has become so famous and rich goes to show you why other countries look down on American culture. “Witless Protection” isn’t going to do anything to help improve our image, though I guess it’s the best of the three pictures if that’s saying anything (it’s like picking the best rotten egg out of an old batch). Veteran TV movie director Charles Robert Carner, who also wrote the screenplay, has previously brought us such gems as “Christmas Rush” and the just as heartwarming “Who Killed Atlanta’s Children?”. Just the guy for the job here! Larry stars as a character aptly named Larry (that’s three movies in a row in case you’re counting, he has such limited range he can’t even go by a different name in a movie), a small redneck town sheriff who sees a beautiful woman (Ivana Milicevic) being escorted by a black man (Yaphet Kotto) in a suit and figures she is being kidnapped. After all, any God fearing Southern gentleman needs to save a pretty white woman from a well dressed African American. It’s his duty as an officer of the law! Larry kidnaps her away and it actually (of course) turns out that she was being escorted by crooked FBI agents who are planning on killing her before she can testify against some evil businessmen. So it’s Larry and the pretty lady on the run from the “law” and it makes for a long ninety seven minutes of fart gags and Larry’s one liners that are about as funny as those jokes your uncle tells everybody every Thanksgiving. Thank you (southern) American for ignoring his films, now let’s just work on not buying his albums and shelling out fifty bucks to see him in “concert”. Work together for a common cause that doesn’t involve wearing white cloaks and burning crosses. You can do it! Git-r-done!!!
(Note: Actor Yaphet Kotto, best known as “the black dude in the original ‘Alien’” is playing the same character, Alonzo Moseley, that he played in the 1988 comedy “Midnight Run”. Naturally, the filmmakers here didn’t get permission to use his character and are facing a lawsuit. Oops!)
Also, please take a moment to a read an absolutely hilarious open letter comedian David Cross wrote to Larry the Cable Guy after Larry took a jab at him. It made me cry laughing (which is way more than I can say for "Witless Protection"). Read it here.
Download Soundtrack MP3s: Junior Brown- Highway Patrol (Right Click and “Save As”) Ludwig Van Beethoven- Symphony #9
BROOKLYN RULES **½ Rating: R Length: 99 minutes Director: Michael Corrente (Outside Providence; American Buffalo) Writer: Terence Winter (Get Rich or Die Tryin’; “The Sopranos”) Starring: Alec Baldwin, Freddie Prinze, Jr., Scott Caan, Mena Suvari, Jerry Ferrara, Monica Keena, Karla Cavalli, Ursula Abbott, Alexa Havins, Annie Golden
LESS THAN ZERO *** Rating: R Length: 98 minutes Director: Marek Kanievska (Where the Money Is; A Different Loyalty) Writer: Harley Peyton (Bandits; “Twin Peaks”) Starring: Robert Downey, Jr., Andrew McCarthy, Jami Gertz, James Spader, Brad Pitt, Anthony Kiedis, Flea, Lisanne Falk, Tony Bill, Nicholas Pryor, Donna Mitchell, Michael Bowen, Sarah Buxton, Michael Green, Brian Wimmer, Kelly Wolf, Jack Irons, Afton Smith, Neith Hunter, Tom Verica
Bret Easton Ellis books are, even by his own admission, very tough to adapt to the big screen. If you haven’t read any of his work (and you really should if you haven’t- he’s one of my favorite writers), the stories (particularly his earlier novels- “Less Than Zero” being his first) sort of float along aimlessly, revolving around a few central characters and the many other characters they run into it and the debauchery they are involved with. Yet, somehow, the three that have been adapted, including this one, “American Psycho”, and “The Rules of Attraction” have all been done quite brilliantly- more so the latter two. “Psycho” and “Rules” both benefited from having ace directors on board- Mary Harron (The Notorious Bettie Page; I Shot Andy Warhol) for the former and Oscar winning “Pulp Fiction” co-writer and “Killing Zoë” director Roger Avary for the latter. They were both able to find a cohesive storyline and patch them together quite nicely and with a lot of effect to make them faithful enough to the novel to bare the titles, but different enough to stand alone on their own. Ellis himself has made similar comments in interviews, saying they were both made into accessible films. “American Psycho” has become a cult classic and was the best reviewed of the movies, while “The Rules of Attraction” should- and rightfully so- begin to gain it’s own cult, despite it’s oddly negative reviews upon it’s release (The movie is absolutely fucking brilliant. I was shocked by the critical reactions at the time). Even so, it fared far better than “Less Than Zero” did upon it’s release. “Zero” was pretty much universally slammed by the critics and ignored by movie goers at the time. Roger Ebert, who gave it a four star review (God bless him), seemed to be the only critic that understood what the movie was going for. He writes in his review- “The movie looks brilliantly superficial, and so Downey’s predicament is all the more poignant (he is a drug addict in the film): He is surrounded by all of this, he is in it and of it, and he cannot have it (referring to the glamorous, rich lifestyle of Beverly Hills). All he wants is to have a good time, but he is trapped in a paradox: Cocaine is the good time that gives itself away”. Ebert also writes about the deliberate cinematography by Ed Lachman to make the film look like high-priced fashion ads and slick TV commercials. He mentions that the pools are always azure blue, the homes look like sets, the people look like models, and the clubs look like music videos. Not to base my review entirely on Ebert’s, but he has it dead on and it’s a wonder that none of his contemporaries seemed to grasp that. Ellis, himself, at the time (still very young), was highly disappointed with the film because it doesn’t follow his book’s stories really in any way shape or form, “They only used my character’s names and that’s it”, but years later he admitted he re-watched it and liked it. I think he realized that the themes from his book were present in the movie and that, for a Hollywood movie, director Marek Kanievska, did the best possible job of adapting the novel that he could. If you haven’t read the novel (once again, you should if you haven’t)- some of the sequences include the characters watching a snuff film, a lot of sex- most of the characters are bi-sexual including Andrew McCarthy’s character here, a twelve year old girl chained to a bed and doped up to be used as a drug dealer ‘s (James Spader’s character here) sex slave, and a lot of stuff that basically wouldn’t have passed the censors for a major studio film back in 1987. Watching the movie today, twenty one years later and you have to admire Kanievska’s job even more. But the main thing that still stands out about the film is Robert Downey, Jr.’s tour-de-force performance as Julian Wells, Clay’s (McCarthy) best friend whom he has come home for Camden University (the college in "Rules of Attraction") to save him from his out of control drug addiction. An addiction that has gotten him into so much debt with his dealer (Spader), that Julian is being forced to whore himself out to break even. Downey has come out and stated that making this movie was what started to push him over the edge and make him a real life junkie. The way he engages himself in the role, it is no wonder. There’s a difference, I suppose, between Robert De Niro gaining a bunch of weight for “Raging Bull” and Downey becoming a drug addict for “Less Than Zero”, They both gave brilliant performances, but De Niro was able to drop his weight and go on with his life. Downey, sadly, ended up becoming his character for too many years after playing him. That that tragic chain of events took place makes the point of the film even more vital and Ebert’s quote hit home even harder- and it’s not just cocaine that’s the good time that gives itself away. It’s all drugs. Trust me.
Download Soundtrack MP3s: The Jimi Hendrix Experience- Fire LL Cool J- Going Back to Cali
WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? *** Rating: PG Length: 91 minutes Director: Rob VanAlkemade (Preacher with an Unknown God; Reaching the Autistic Mind: An Educational Challenge) Starring: Reverend Billy (Tallen) & the Stop Shopping Choir, Paul Norman Allen, Laura Newman
What a wonderfully hilarious and yet insightful (in a warped kind of way) documentary, “What Would Jesus Buy?“ is. It is produced by documentary “superstar” Morgan Spurlock and is a far better doc than his latest feature, “Where in the World is Osama Bin Lin?”. Reverend Billy is a preacher for our “Lord and Savior” Jesus Christ, but he knows that all the other preachers are busy pushing the same ol’ boring bible standards- thou shall not this and thou shall not that. What Reverend Billy Tallen and his merry crew of drones want you to do is to, well, stop shopping. In fact, the name of their “outfit” is (and how fitting that the Reverend has his name first, like he’s Tom Petty or something) ‘Reverend Billy & the Stop Shopping Choir’. Reverend Billy and the choir, which includes his cute, understanding wife, prepare for “Black Friday” more so than most desperate soccer moms and bored housewives (and me and my friend Trey). They dress up- Billy in a suit and the choir in full choir gear and they parade through the malls, Targets, and Wal-marts singing their anthems about how consumerism is ruining the world and Jesus fucking hates it. The best scene in the movie involves the crew showing up to Disney onChristmas and protesting- one employee warns the Reverend “There’s no singing in Disney!”. You never know if Spurlock got behind this project for humorous purposes or because he believes in the cause, but I’m willing to bet on the former (there are questions about Reverend Billy's legitimacy and there are rumors he is just a "character"). Yet regardless of how comical the film is, you do get to start to understand Reverend Billy’s point. Sure, he takes it way overboard and he sweats and parades around like all of those phony television evangelists that take over your basic cable airwaves on Sunday mornings, but when you get the glimpses of pure greed and determination in the eyes of the shoppers- you can’t help but wonder how far Bill is off here. Use this DVD as a stocking stuffer on Christmas (it's never to early to start shopping, right Rev?) and I’ll guarantee you the recipient will watch it and either laugh or start to think about the real meaning behind Christmas. Either way, that automatically makes it a good present- and I’m sure Reverend Billy wouldn’t mind if you dropped a few bucks on his products for the holidays. After all, if you have to sell to stop selling then that’s just the way it has to be.
Download Soundtrack MP3s: (Very funny, do yourself a favor and download these) Reverend Billy & the Church of Stop Shopping- Remove Starbucks and Disney Reverend Billy & the Church of Stop Shopping- Stop Shopping
Buy the DVD Here Buy the Soundtrack (Reverend Billy & the Church of Stop Shopping) Here
(Note: The movie gets it’s one star mainly due to actress Leighton Meester, whom you might recognize as Blair from WB’s guilty pleasure “Gossip Girl”. I’ve developed a big crush on her and I think she’s an actress to keep an eye on. If she can make the dialogue in this movie work, she is capable of anything)
Download Soundtrack M4Ass: Third Eye Blind- Graduate Ol’ Dirty Bastard (featuring Kelis) - Got Your Money
CHAOS THEORY * Rating: PG-13 Length: 85 minutes Director: Marcos Siega (Pretty Persuasion; Underclassman) Writer: Daniel Taplitz (Breakin’ All the Rules; Commandments) Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Emily Mortimer, Stuart Townsend, Sarah Chalke, Constance Zimmer, Elizabeth Harnois, Chris William Martin, Ty Olsson
There are some movies that just rub you the wrong way. “Chaos Theory” is one of those movies and it aggravated me. The plot aggravated me, the performances aggravated me, the script aggravated, the extremely lousy direction aggravated me. The whole damn movie just got on my nerves. What were they going for here? The movie’s not romantic enough to be a chick flick nor a romantic comedy since it’s not particularly funny (that also knocks it out of the straight up comedy category- don’t let the trailer fool you) - and it seems to want to take it’s self too seriously too late into the film for it to even matter. The whole thing is an entire mess and it would be to easy to make a pun right now using the title, but use your imagination to create one for yourself. When the movie opens Ryan Reynolds is seen as an old man (though he doesn’t look particularly old) preparing to walk his daughter (Elizabeth Harnois) down the aisle. He catches the groomsman (Mike Erwin) attempting to bail and forces him to sit down for a drink and a “story”. The groomsman isn’t in the mood to hear a story (given the story he is about to hear, he should have bailed when he had the chance) and says “maybe I can hear it next Christmas”. Reynolds shakes his head, “This isn’t a Christmas kind of story”. Flashback to when Reynolds was young and part of a group of friends that included his future wife (Emily Mortimer- a usually fantastic actress in an absolutely terrible performance) and his best friend (Stuart Townsend- equally awful). The future wife, Susan, decides she must choose a husband and get married as her New Year’s resolution. She randomly picks out of three choices- including the best friend. Reynolds, of course, wins and flash forward several years and they are a happy family with a young daughter (Matreya Fedor). Reynolds is a motivational speaker who’s life is run by lists and a strict time schedule, which is starting to get on Susan’s nerves. Through a series of mistakes and misunderstandings, Reynolds is late to a seminar, pushes off the advances of a slutty fan (Sarah Chalke- “Scrubs” fans may want to rent this just to see her in an extremely hot lingerie sequence), and drives a pregnant woman to the hospital. The wife, in typical movie fashion, calls the hotel room after Reynolds leaves and talks to the slut and then is called by the hospital after the pregnant woman abandons her baby (the hospital mistakenly wrote down that Reynolds was the father of the baby). Reynolds comes home and is kicked out before he can explain. This is one of movie critic Roger Ebert’s biggest pet peeves with movies- when a situation could be solved by a simple explanation and instead it is dragged out into a feature length movie. Reynolds has a mid-life crisis and then finds out a secret that makes things even worse. I should reveal it to you, but I won’t spoil the movie, because I know despite my warning some of you will still see this. And some of you may like it. I don’t know, I have a feeling there is an audience for this movie, but I don’t understand how. The characters are all unlikable and the movie is all over the place. Director Marcos Siega started off directing Weezer and Blink 182 videos and moved on to direct such bombs as the Nick Cannon vehicle, “Underclassman”. He is completely incompetent in telling a story and getting emotion out of it. When subtlety is required, he blares a generic rock song over the soundtrack (a particularly sad sequence when Reynolds is on the verge of a nervous breakdown is a prime example). Siega bounces around back and forth like a kid with ADD who can’t decided what movie he wants to watch and keeps popping in a different DVD and taking it out after fifteen minutes and putting a new one in. It’s a shame because there is a good performance hidden in this film by Ryan Reynolds. He just doesn’t get a chance to display it and instead his character comes off as obnoxious. Chaos can work in a movie, but not in a movie that has a plot that needs at least a little structure. There’s no theory to that, that’s just how to make a watchable movie.
MAMA’S BOY *½ Rating: PG-13 Length: 93 minutes Director: Tim Hamilton Writer: Hank Nelken (Saving Silverman; Are We Done Yet?) Starring: Diane Keaton, Jeff Daniels, Anna Faris, Jon Heder, Eli Wallach, Sarah Chalke, Laura Kightlinger, Mary Kay Place, Rhys Coiro, Simon Helberg, Evan Peters
Let’s face it Jon Heder- you had a good ride. “Napoleon Dynamite” made you an instant 15 minute “star” and you took full advantage of it giving us such memorable classics as the remake of “School for Scoundrels” and who could forget the heartwarming, Oscar robbed “The Benchwarmers”? We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, you gave Marlon Brando a run for his money. Okay, I took my sarcasm a bit overboard there. But, honestly, how in the hell does this guy keep getting lead roles in movies? I’ll be the first to admit that he was brilliant in “Dynamite”. No matter how many dorks and late bloomers ruined the movie with murdering it’s quotes and wearing “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts, it’s still a great film and it owes a large part of that to Heder’s performance. Outside of the “Napoleon Dynamite” universe, however, he is just not an actor. With all of his star vehicles flopping, except the Will Ferrell carried “Blades of Glory” (which was hilarious, but imagine how much better it would have been with a different actor opposite Will), Heder hopefully now will realize his place in the film industry: quirky and mercifully small supporting roles (think “Just Like Heaven”). After the disastrous problem that was “Mama’s Boy”, Hollywood will probably do the realizing for him. How could any movie exec explain that a movie starring Diane Keaton, Jeff Daniels, and Anna Faris couldn’t get anything but a very, very limited theatrical release? Hell, old ladies even lined up to see “Mad Money” because Keaton was in it. She can draw in an audience or at least enough of one for a movie like this to make it’s money back. Then again, given the quality of the film maybe she’s glad that the release was very, very limited. You almost get the sense that Heder knows the clock is running out. As much as he’s tried to difference himself from being typecast as Napoleon, he seems to embrace some of his traits here (the quick run offs, the stumblings, the eccentricities). He plays a 29 year old loser named Jeffrey who “works” at a bookstore and lives with his widowed mother, Jan (Keaton). They are best friends as the movie is far from subtle in letting us know. They even have each night of the week dedicated to a special occasion (miniature golf, bowling, etc.). When Jan meets a nice, cancer survivor/motivational speaker named Mert Rosenbloom (Daniels), they fall for each other and Jeffrey finds his world falling apart. Mert moves in and tries his best to befriend Jeffrey, even ignoring the fact that he’s almost thirty and still living with his mom and doesn’t have a driver’s license. Jeffrey declares war and tries to break them up. Mert is truly a nice guy and finally has to break down and fight back after Jeffrey repeatedly and cruelly humiliates him. All while Keaton’s character frets on why the two men she loves in her life just can’t get along. Sound familiar? There was an equally awful movie called “Mr. Woodcock” that came out around the same time that had almost the exact same plot, except the boyfriend was an actual bully and the son wasn’t a loser. The movie’s desperate attempts to get laughs out of Heder’s and Daniel’s feud is tired and takes away from what would have made a much better movie- Heder’s blooming romance with a cute coffee shop worker named Nora (Faris), who spends her spare time writing anti-corporation folk songs. Faris is the movie’s saving grace and continues to prove that she is the best female comedic actress around (not to mention her serious turn in “Brokeback Mountain”). She is so sweet and great in the picture that you feel sorry for her. You wish that the character could have found her way into a better movie. How she falls for the selfish, imbecile Jeffrey is a complete mystery that the screenplay dismisses with lines like “I like you because you’re different”. Daniels does what he can and it’s a shame that he hasn’t been offered better roles after his bull’s-eye underrated performance in “The Squid and the Whale”. Keaton, is well, Diane Keaton- pulling the same “lawdy da” routine she’s been doing since “Annie Hall”. How any of these people got mixed up in this movie and with it’s star is a question they should all be asking their agents. As for Heder, I hope he’s been setting some of his money aside. You don’t see many “Vote for Pedro” shirts anymore.
THEN SHE FOUND ME * Rating: R Length: 100 minutes Director: Helen Hunt (“Mad About You”) Writers: Alice Arlen (Silkwood; The Weight of Water) and Victor Levin (“Mad About You”; Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!) Starring: Bette Midler, Helen Hunt, Matthew Broderick, Colin Firth, Salman Rushdie, Lynn Cohen, Ben Shenjman, Maggie Siff, Audrey Elizabeth Fafard
How does Helen Hunt have an Oscar? How has she milked that same character she plays in every single movie/TV show for the past what fifteen years now and still get away with it? Well, the clock is running out. Just like her character in this god-awful Lifetime bound melodrama is running out of time to have a baby, so is Hunt’s career. Gone are the days starring opposite Jack Nicholson, Mel Gibson, and Tom Hanks. Now are the days where her movie has to play the festival circuit until it is finally picked up by a distributor who hopes he can make his money back from women that like to rent any kind of chick flick available, particularly one with someone that used to be a “star”. There was a time when I liked Hunt. I thought she was adorable on “Mad About You”, but it was when she made the leap to movies- especially in the Oscar winning role for the extremely overrated “As Good As It Gets”- that I realized that she was a one trick pony. She continued her act straight through “Cast Away” and “What Women Want” and then seemed to do the world a favor and disappeared. Then she popped up, looking old and miserable (not to mention miscast), in the Oscar Wilde adapted flop, “A Good Woman”, which not even Scarlet Johansson could get an audience for. Now, for reasons unknown, she’s back and not just acting the same role as usual, but she’s also directing. Leave it to a tired actress to direct a tired movie- a movie that we’ve seen on cable a million times. A woman who wants to have a baby, waited too late and now the clock is ticking and she is desperately trying to find a way to get pregnant. That’s it. That’s the whole plot. One hundred minutes of Hunt doing her one note act, faking some tears, making some unfunny sarcastic one-liners, and giving everybody a happy ending- except her character is so obnoxious that you don’t want to her to have the happy ending. She doesn’t deserve it. Just like she didn’t deserve that Oscar. Just go back to TV and get over with all ready. I'm sure Paul Reiser is desperately waiting for you too.
(For the record in 1997, when she won the gold statue, she beat out Kate Winslet (“Titanic”), Helena Bonham Carter (“The Wings of the Dove”), Julie Christie (!) (“Afterglow”), and Dame Judi Dench (! again) (“Mrs. Brown”). What an unjust world)
This was another music blog, but let's face it- there are enough of those to go around at the moment and the web is becoming a bit too crowded for them (except for the bomb ass ones like "Fight Test", "Fluxblog", etc...). So, I decided to make this a movie review blog where I'll post reviews of the movies I watch. I'll include MP3s from the movie soundtracks to download when I can find them. Keep in mind these are just my OPINIONS, so you could very well love a movie I hate or vice versa- so please, don't bother posting comments on what an idiot I am for not liking a movie you like (or for confusing a slight fact- no need to call someone a dumbass for not knowing a remake was originally Thai and not Japanese. There are some rude people out there) It is pointless and I'd rather you just not come to the site if that's the case. Also, the MP3s posted are to help encourage you to either purchase the soundtrack and/or the individual group or artist's album(s). If you are the owner of any of the songs posted and want them removed- please let me know and it will be done ASAP. Thank you for stopping by!
MAY
JOY DIVISION
YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN
CANDY
STEP UP 2: THE STREETS
FUCK
SEX AND THE CITY
THE HAPPENING
WITLESS PROTECTION
BROOKLYN RULES
LESS THAN ZERO
WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY?
REMEMBER THE DAZE
CHAOS THEORY
MAMA’S BOY
THEN SHE FOUND ME
